MOTHER 3 2
by StupidStory
Summary: Lucas and Claus both love Kumatora but only one can have her. Lucas reluctantly hatches a plan to make his brother happy but at a cost. Meanwhile, Porky commits to an exercise regimen to make himself thin. This fanfic contains references to spoilers, so DO NOT read unless you've played thru MOTHER 3, unless you don't care about spoilers.


**MOTHER 3 2**

Earth 2. The astronomers could not think of anything more creative to call the rebuilt Earth. Claus and Hinawa were brought back to life for this recreation of Earth. It was near Halloween, and Lucas was in desperate need of a costume.

"How the fuck do I look in my fucking costume, my niggaz?" Kumatora playfully asked. She was wearing a bikini with fish net stockings. That was her Halloween costume. Lucas and Claus's jaws dropped so far down that they crossed the edge of the universe and wrapped around to the other side of the universe and down to a point above their head and continued downward to repeat the process infinitely many times.

"I want to marry you." Lucas and Claus said at the same time.

"What are you supposed to be?" Flint wondered.

"I am supposed to be the possible result of if there was an eighth Magypsy," Kumatora confirmed.

"You never looked this fanservicey, even at Club Titiboo." Lucas said while drooling. Claus shot him an angry look, as if to say 'she's mine.'

Lucas felt slightly jelly of Kumatora's "costume." He wanted a good costume too.

While looking around in his room, desperate to find something to wear for trick-or-treating, he found something that looked kinda odd. There was a grey mask that kinda looked like a helmet, a laser gun, and a light saber. _I struck gold._ He put the respective items on.

"Ha ha ha, I'll just call myself Lucas Skywalker."

Meanwhile, Master Porky, still in his absolutely safe capsule even after the heat death of the universe, held his nose for nearly that long because it stunk really badly, what with all those farts and turds clogging his pants. Not to mention he was bored for that long. One of the turds had individual nuggets in it. He then remembered that the waste should have been ejected long ago, so he pushed a button to eject the millions of pounds of body waste from the absolutely safe capsule. Then he had an idea. He decided to eat himself and then poop himself out so his body waste would be ejected from the capsule. Mission accomplished. He was now so fat that if he stepped on a scale it would cause a stack overflow. He hurtled thru space like Dumbo wearing rockets.

"Hello Wheatley," he said as he passed by the moon's orbit.

He rocketed toward Earth and when he landed he was on fire.

"OW OW OW! Out of my way!" Porky screamed as he ran like Lightning Run to the nearest conveniently placed lake and jumped in. He was no longer in pain, and the amount of steam obscured everyone's vision. It felt like a sauna even 400 feet away. The splash generated a mini tsunami.

Meanwhile, Kumatora, Lucas, and Claus were still trick-or-treating. Kumatora looked down in the dumps.

"Kumatora, please don't turn into Negative Man." Lucas pleaded.

"I wish I was a Magypsy. That's why I dressed as an imaginary Magypsy for Halloween. What the hell, Nintendo? You were thinking about making me a Magypsy but didn't. Pussies."

"But if you were then you would disappear if I pulled a needle. I love you and would not ever want you to disappear." Those words pelted out of Lucas's sound hole before he could apply the brakes. Kumatora blushed slightly.

"It's okay. And thanks. I've never had anyone tell me they loved me before." Before they knew it, Lucas and Kumatora started making out. Claus felt green with envy and shook his head.

After the make-out session, Lucas and Kumatora threw away all their candy because their first kiss was better than Kings Island flavored candy.

Lucas got down on one knee.

"Kumatora, will you marry me?"

"Yes. Yes I will," Kumatora answered. Lucas squeed like a Justin Bieber fan girl who was kissed by Justin Bieber.

While Lucas was writing lovey dovey poems on loose leaf paper and simultaneously trying to plan the wedding, Claus burst in while in a ragey mood.

"I WANTED TO MARRY HER!" Claus sobbed.

"Well too bad, I asked first." Lucas asserted. "You snooze, you lose. Tell you what, I'll find you your own lady to go all lovey dovey over. We'll find the seven needles and put them back in their respective places so hopefully the Magypsies will all reappear and maybe one of them will wanna marry you. Huh, that's strange. I'm not supposed to be able to remember anything about the previous world but somehow I am. Oh well. Come on!" Where would the needles have gone after being pulled? They just shot up in the air and then what?

They went to a fabric store to buy seven needles. Lucas came up a couple DP short.

"Come on, I haven't got all day," the cashier demanded.

"I thought I had enough." Lucas panicked.

"Come on, either pay in full or GTFO!" Lucas did the latter. He beat a dog with a stick and it became tame. It bounced.

"Here you are, ma'am," Lucas paid for the seven sewing needles in full."

"Have a nice day," the cashier said, possibly sounding insincere.

Lucas, Claus, and Boney set off on a journey to pick out 7 unique, scattered locations in which to stick the 7 sewing needles into the ground. Apparently there was a location called New York City. _What an awful pun on the name New Pork City. What the hell is a York anyway?_ Shovels in hand, they began digging underneath the One World Trade Center. They dug. And dug. And dug. And dug. Claus thought they must have dug a depth equivalent to the One World Trade Center's height. Lucas then inserted the first needle.

Then they climbed back out of the hole. Next was Jerusalem. Lucas stuck the next needle in an old ancient building in Jerusalem, Israel. Another needle (I will spare you the boring drawn out details of them traveling all over the world) was outside a castle courtyard in the United Kingdom. There were also needles inside a volcano, near the top of Mt. Everest, and in a forest bordering a science lab, and the last needle placed in Stonehenge. Nothing happened. No Magypsies.

"Be right back," Lucas whispered to Claus and Kumatora.

Lucas dressed up in his Giygas costume, sneaked into a drag show, and kidnapped 7 of the participants, putting them in a burlap bag, and deposited them somewhere near the locations of the 7 sewing needles.

"Back," Lucas came back to where Lucas and Kumatora were, all out of breath. "I had to run 15 marathons just now," he lied. No one questioned him. "So it turns out there are 7 new Magypsies at the sewing needle locations now. Come on!" Claus was excited but skeptical.

"My name is Butch and no, I will not marry you," the arctic Magypsy said. "Heck, I don't even know you. Get out my face!"

"Nope," the New York Magypsy declined.

"Hell no." Claus was declined by all 7 Magypsies. Fortunately Lucas hatched a plan B. A blonde, thin old man ran by. He stared at Lucas.

"Can I help you?" Lucas offered.

"I am Master Porky. Or I was. But now I have seen the light."

"Right. And Miracle Fassad with just Boney and Salsa is easy as pie."

"I'm not lying. I went on the Biggest Loser. I recorded it on the DVR so I have nothing to hide. I will invite you over to prove it."

"Okay," Lucas accepted, even though he was skeptical. Claus looked down in the dumps. _Was this another trap? Last time I saw him he put himself in the absolutely safe capsule._

"Something doesn't add up. How did you get out of the absolutely safe capsule?"

"I ate myself and pooped myself out." Lucas wasn't sure if he believed him but given how weird the Earthbound/MOTHER series is, nothing seemed too farfetched.

Here they were, at Porky's house. Porky turned on the TV.

"Here's me competing on the Biggest Loser. I'm gonna let you in on something. The actual reason I turned evil in the first place was because my parents gave me such an unfortunate name, and I was perpetually reminded of my fathood. So I built the absolutely safe capsule as a refuge from all that and when I became insanely bored that kinda outweighed the emotional toll of being fat so I decided to come back and do something about it. I lost about 655 lbs and am now at a healthy weight. No more need to be evil. In fact, I have changed my name to 'Celery.'" Lucas then remembered something he had to do. But what he had in mind would be extremely controversial and he almost didn't want to do it. "I have to go." Lucas left.

"I'm glad you're here, Kumatora and Claus. I want to show you guys something." Lucas cleared his throat and made farting armpit noises in the tune of 'Hustle for Pride' from the MOTHER 3 soundtrack. About halfway through he struggled for breath, clutched his heart, made a loud "HNNNNNNNG" sound, and collapsed.

"LUCAS! NOOOOOOO!" Kumatora and Claus cried. They couldn't believe the main party member was dead. Or so they thought.

 _Phase 1 complete._ Kumatora and Claus stood vigil all night. This was going to make transitioning to the next phase of the plan a heck of a lot more difficult.

"Well, now that Lucas is dead, do you wanna marry me?" Claus proposed. Kumatora wasn't sure what to say.

"Well, I-" Kumatora was interrupted by Lucas getting back up in a zombie-like fashion. He walked slowly, arms outstretched. "BRAINS," he said in a monotone shout.

"Oh my God it's the zombie apocalypse!" Kumatora wailed.

When Lucas was sure he was out of sight from everyone, he bought an 8th needle and put it somewhere behind the store. He then beat a few more animals to make them tame, making them bounce in the process, and used up more of that money to shop at Hot Topic to buy some drag clothes. _I am going to dress up as a Magypsy and ask Claus if he wants to marry me. Anything to keep his hands off my woman as well as keep him happy. He's sure to say yes._

Lucas dressed up in drag and waited around the sewing store. Claus went by this way to school every morning.

When Claus appeared one morning, Lucas walked up him and got down on one knee.

"Claus, will you marry me?"

"Omigosh, I have been waiting for a Magypsy to ask me just that. YES!" Claus cheered. Lucas was already beginning to have second thoughts.

"Oh, I never told you my name. I am Luc-" he paused for a second. "ario. Lucario."

"That doesn't matter, I am marrying a Magypsy, and that's all that matters!" Lucas almost wished he had chosen to marry Kumatora.

As if Claus knew what he was thinking he said "Kumatora is still stuck in the past." Lucas wanted to do more stuff with Kumatora but that might mean breaking his brother's heart. Before he knew it, Claus started making out with him. Lucas took it in stride.

When Lucario and Claus were reciting their wedding vows and the "do you, _, take _ as your lawfully wedded _ came on, Lucas was having second thoughts. His heart still belonged to Kumatora. At last he finally snapped.

"Kumatora, I love you!" Lucario cried. Claus face-palmed. Lucario took off all his drag clothes. "I'm actually Lucas. I dressed up as a Magypsy because all the other Magypsies rejected him and I wanted him to be able to have his own partner to go all lovey dovey with since I had Kumatora."

"Oh, I already knew that," Claus said sinisterly.

"What?" Lucas felt disappointed.

"You're still being punished. Don't you remember what you did?" Claus asked. Lucas could not remember anything. "Come on out Leder and explain everything to him." Leder did as instructed.

"I must tell you a painful truth you don't want to hear. Hinawa and Claus never actually died. They both faked their own deaths." Lucas took several deep breaths.

"WHAT?" He screamed in astonishment.

"One day when you left the toilet seat up after taking a dump, Hinawa and Claus had watched that one episode of South Park so they decided to work together to come up with the most elaborate, seemingly real plan to punish you once and for all for potentially causing her death. Hinawa bought one of those fake fangs with the fake blood and plunged it into her heart so it would look like the Mecha Drago killed her, and when Claus was the Masked Man, that was simply a Halloween costume. He always had the best intentions, even when he was "evil." When he shot the lightning bolt that reflected off of your Franklin badge, that was actually a holographic plasma that slows the heartbeat down to about one beat per minute. That was enough to play dead convincingly enough. (AN: I actually cried at the ending of MOTHER 3 and it's one of the most well executed post final boss segments of any video game I've played so far. I would not want it to officially be retconned in this manner.)"

"Um, Leder, why are you telling me an author's note and then mercilessly breaking the fourth wall?" Lucas questioned.

"Did I actually say that? Oh, sorry. I did not mean to say that. That should have been this crack author's doing. Anyway, you needed to be punished for leaving the toilet seat up that one time when you took a dump. So Hinawa and Claus worked together and figured that the best way to teach you a lesson was to make you think that the Nowhere Islands were the only place on Earth, which was where I came in to tell you that lie, that Hinawa had gotten killed, and that Claus committed suicide in front of your very eyes after the dramatic unmask. I'd say it was very well deserved, considering she could have fallen in and gotten her intestines flushed away." Lucas shuddered and then realized Leder had a point.

"I'll never leave the toilet seat up again, I promise," Lucas vowed. He loved his mother. Watching his own twin brother faking his own death was the most heart rending thing he ever went through, but he breathed a sigh of relief knowing it didn't really happen, but at the same time he was quite angry.

"Good boy," Leder praised. Lucas calmed down for the time being and spoke once more.

"There is still one thing unaccounted for. The thing about the seven needles, Magypsies, the dragon, and the world ending looked pretty real to me. Are you saying that it all never really happened?"

"Correct. That was all part of the punishment. The Magypsies are holograms. The dragon was only the finest paper mache project ever, and the world being destroyed was just Hollywood quality special effects. The needles were just ordinary swords that were bought from Hobby Lobby. Porky and the Pig Masks were in on it too, for they had to give a convincing enough evil plan to seemingly brainwash your brother and pull the needles so you would suffer heartache and loss."

"Now that I think about it, that does explain why I can remember the previous world clearly even tho I was supposed to lose my memory of it. My head hurts." Lucas complained, then used PK Love Omega on Leder. Leder was enraged. He rolled up his sleeves, took off his shirt to reveal fine muscular abs, and called Porky, er, Celery, but I guess he goes by either name.

"Hello, Porky. Please make Claus into a Masked Man cyborg and make Lucas fight him. And this time, don't fake it like you did last time."


End file.
